‘Get back on the horse’….. WHATEVER!!!

It’s been a few days since I last blogged….. that actually sounds like a confession?? Anyhow, I made a promise to myself when I started that I would only write when I had something to say and avoid sharing the mundane details of my life – who wants to hear about how many nappies I have changed this week or how much snot I have cleared up (although if you are interested in that kind of drivel it is lots!!)? And, under pressure from a few friends and family members I had a bit of writers block so I headed over to read some other blogs for inspiration and here is what I discovered… Firstly there are a lot of good bloggers out there, it made me review my past posts and analyse where I could improve on my style. However, and here I will probably upset a few and maybe even lose a few followers but tact has never been a strong point of mine…. where the hell do people get off offering parenting ‘advice’. There is a whole industry out there preying on the fears and insecurities of parents new and experienced promising to have your child sleeping through the night by 6 weeks, or playing Bach on the piano by 2 or potty trained in 24 hours -REALLY?!?!? Now I am a Mammy of 4 children and each one is completely different to the other. That is the beauty of human kind, we are all individuals so there will never be a one size fits all approach that is ever likely to work. What is wrong with using your instincts? Using your friends as a information source? It is the bloody arrogance of these people that gets right under my skin. Granted if I bought a microwave I would expect it to contain a manual that is specific to that model and make. Indeed all 2 million of the same product would have the same manual as they are exactly the same as each other, clones if you will. BUT us humans have a thing called DNA which means every single one of us is different to the next so how can one person tell another person on how to raise another person??? Books, blogs, websites…. it is never ending…… When I fell pregnant with my first daughter I was passed a pile of pregnancy and early days books. Not ever having had a baby before I studied the books religiously. I had in my head the parent I was going to be, I was going to breast feed exclusively so my baby didn’t get asthma, I was going to prohibit television so my baby was the most intelligent of her species, I was going to only feed her organic ethically sourced food that I prepared, cooked, puréed myself so that she didn’t develop any allergies, I was going to take her to a baby bilingual class so she was able to work in China if she wanted…. I mean what planet was I on?? The reality…… child 1 breastfed for about 4 weeks, when she wouldn’t latch I spent my days attached to a pump, I even recall expressing in the back of the car on the way to Toys r Us one day. I found the whole thing stressful and then convinced myself she would be better off with Myra Hindley as a mam instead of me a I pumped her full of poisonous formula… oh no wait… so she had a bottle – BIG DEAL. She has thrived in life and we all survived. Child 2 breast fed exclusively for 14 months. He was a stubborn devil who wouldn’t even take expressed milk from a spoon, as a result I didn’t sleep for 14 months, hubby couldn’t offer any help with night feeds and I wasted away. With my twins at 9 months they are combination fed and we are probably not far from hanging up the maternity bra. The point is not to start a breast/bottle debate. How you feed your child is your decision and you should not be bullied one way or the other, I did nothing different with any of my children and they have all fed differently – because they are individuals. I spent nights when my first was asleep surrounded by organic vegetables slicing, dicing, roasting, steaming, puréeing, sterilising feeling smug I hadn’t given her a jar… 5 years on the twins have Ella’s Garden as much as home cooked food. I monitored what went into my first with precision only introducing foods according to a strict timetable, the twins were thrown some peanut butter on toast this week so I could wrestle the older two into school & preschool uniforms. They didn’t have an allergic reaction the only thing that happened is a pack of wet wipes went into the clean up. I have just been to the bookshelf and found 6-7 books that I bought or was given. I actually have a feeding your baby book. Now, the first suggested recipe is banana purée… ‘Mash with a fork until smooth and feed to your baby’.. I paid £14.99 for this crap! I have various books on what to expect in the first year, I have scrolled to 9 months to see what should be happening with the twins. Apparently I should move all household chemicals and cleaning products out of reach of my child. Hmmmm gutted as I was going to let them use that in the baby chemistry class I have planned…. It advises that I keep knives and sharp instruments out of their reach, well that is going to really hinder the knife throwing act training I have lined up for the twins for when they are on Britain’s Got Talent in a few years! I have just checked where they should be developmentally and I think we may need to seek medical help as they should be both ‘cruising’ by now and only one is, maybe there is a problem? Or hold on, maybe she will get there when she is good and ready. When I was pregnant with the twins I was handed some twin specific books, one by a very famous parenting writer. In the book the foreword is done by a celebrity twin mum who explains how tough she found the early days. Bless her she had such a tough time, what with the maternity nurse she hired, followed by a night Nanny and it must have been a real financial burden so it was lucky several companies sent her various pieces of baby kit for free…. get a life you condescending woman. The book goes on to tell you the routine you should have your baby in at 6 weeks. Apparently twins should have fed at 6 very specific times of the day and nap at three very specific times of the day. Right, the reality of the situation is this…..my twins napped when they bloody felt like it never at the same time as that would be too easy, if I managed to brush my teeth by 3pm it was a miracle and I had a huge sense of achievement. They fed sometimes together, sometimes not, different amounts and lengths of time. I probably fed the same twins twice in the middle of the night as sleep deprivation kicked in and one baby merged into the next and here they are 9 months later shovelling a cucumber stick into their mouths and smearing a mushed up cheese sandwich into their hair. It is not all bad news as at 7.45am the schedule includes the direction that you must have cereal, toast and a drink, you are allocated 15 minutes for this. I don’t drink milk so that is the cereal out and there isn’t a plan B for what happens when your older two are demanding four different types of breakfast at the appointed 7.45am so I think if you miss your slot you just starve. I can confirm the reality is that with 4 kids 15 minutes to myself is a luxury I can only dream of. Today having a wee I was visited a total of 7 times by my eldest two ‘needing’ something immediately and a husband asking where the baby wipes had all gone – probably on the peanut butter clean up I would think! Another twin parenting book has a section about sex, resuming your sex life HA HA HA – really! The advice is to ‘get back on the saddle as soon as possible’. Apparently the poor husband will be feeling a little unloved so if you have had a traumatic birth throw in a blow job…. Now seriously f&^% off! I know I shouldn’t swear but after delivering one twin naturally and one by an emergency c-section my body was broken. I could hardly move for a good few weeks after losing a litre and half of blood too but I should of manned up and dropped to my knees to relieve my husband and show him how important he is to me…..get a grip! Even if you only have one child every parent (or the honest ones anyway) will tell you your sex life takes a while to come back but it will so don’t stress it. Christ you will become masters at the ‘quickie’!! I apologise this post is a bit of a rant but I needed to vent and now feel much better. To all the parents out there you are doing a fabulous job, stick the parenting books on the fire and carry on doing what you do. If you do choose to subscribe to a particular parenting style then be kind to your fellow humans and do not judge their approach. Just because someone does it different to you doesn’t mean they are doing it wrong, we are all different after all… Now off to get a glass of Prosecco as the neighbours are coming over for a BBQ, it will probably get messy so normal service will be resumed on my next blog. That is after a change my clothes as my eldest boy has just launched a bowl of Ella’s Garden up my back – I stayed committed though and finished the post x